Simply Bess

“I’m a new soul living in a strange world”- the lyrics to this great song I’m listening to right now. I truly believe they are speaking right to me. I feel like I am only now feeling comfortable in my own skin, making my own decisions, for me, free of guilt and the need to please. Do I like to try to make everyone happy, sure. Am I successful? Not at all. In the long run I am finally realizing that my happiness does not rely on whether or not others become happier due to my efforts. It makes me happy to just try. So if someone is hurting, I will try calling, emailing, texting or even a stop by. I used to stress if this was the right thing or was blind to the fact that I wasn’t helping. I tried to second guess my actions and assume what would be best for the person. It was exhausting and incredibly disempowering.
But something in me woke up and I realized even with the best intentions, I still might not be able to make the person happy. It’s not about me to them. There problems are all inside them and the best I can hope for is to help alleviate their worries so that they might recognize their solutions lie inside themselves. That’s it. I am not their solution, their answer, their savior. I am simply a messenger and if they aren’t ready to hear the message, there is nothing I can do. ALL I can do, is what makes me happy to do, then at least I am happy and ready to be there for them if or when they are ready. I just now figured this out. And I’m closing in on 38 years of life. A new soul in a strange world.

Today was breathtaking. The skies were sunny, and I could feel it’s warmth penetrate every ounce of my soul. I took a walk, wrote on my journal under the big maple and swung on my swing with my daughter.

I feel balanced, complete, and at peace. Nothing had changed from just yesterday as far as my life yet I felt so harmonious with who I am. Could weather really have that much impact on who I am?? But ahhh that sunshine! I feel as though nearly everything can be solved on a walk on a sunny day. There’s just no room for troubles in my spirit. All I want to do is take a moment, take a deep breath and savor every moment. Mother nature… the world’s best healing agent.

My husband and I are celebrating our 20^th year of loving each other. It’s strange to think that we have lived long enough to have been together longer than we have ever lived apart. Yet when I look at him, he still reminds me of that the high school boy who asked me out twenty years ago. It seems like for twenty years I’ve been dating the same man!

That morning, twenty years ago, I received a phone call from a boy who would later mean everything to me. But because he called so early, it barely registered that I had answered the phone and agreed to go out with him. In fact, he came to my door, and I was still in bed! But I grabbed some clothes and ran downstairs to see my crush standing in the doorway. The boy with the beautiful smile, smiling at me. The beginning of the rest of my life.

We now have two children to add to our family, so the landscape of our life looks different. But deep inside, we are still those two young kids who met 20 years ago, just with a different reflection in the mirror. He’s still a morning person, waking me up each morning with a sweet smile. My love for him hasn’t changed because I haven’t. Sure, I have changed my mind about certain things that I have become more educated about, but the essence of my heart and soul is the same. I know I will always love him because after 7300 days, he is still that boy in the doorway smiling at me.

“Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened.”~ Dr. Seuss

It’s over! My stint in Boyertown has finally come to an end. I don’t feel like crying at all! I feel like jumping for joy or clicking my heels in delight. Today, I traveled back to the place I called home for 16 months, and even though it’s only been 5 days, it feels like I have been gone for a very long time. I have put distance both in my mind and in my heart with Boyertown. I have already moved on and found a place to call home, and haven’t looked back.

But as I headed back to the old house to finish up some last minute repairs to the home, I realized that the place really wasn’t so bad. My husband spent several hours today cleaning the floors, walls, lawn, appliances and even the basement. By the time he was done, I had remembered how excited I was when I first moved in. So what had changed? Why had I felt so trapped for 16 months?

The more and more I thought about this question (I couldn’t help with the clean-up do to pain with my sciatic nerve) the more I realized that the change had all happened inside me. It was still a quaint little home with all the amenities I could need or want. Yet my heart was never there. I tried and tried to make this house a home. I decorated the inside with window treatments, added rugs and pictures to the walls. But the house had always been missing something. That something was my heart. My heart has always remained back in NY with my friends and family. When I uprooted my life back in 2007 and headed down to Georgia, I thought I could fill the hole in my heart with a visit once a month. I had kept my job and had arranged to telecommute. I would fly back “home” once a month for a couple of days to take care of business matters and spend time with everyone. Yet, every time I took the two hour flight back down to Georgia, I was met with the proverbial double edged sword. I missed my husband and was excited to be home again. But I felt a void when I waved good-bye to my mom and dad. I felt a tug when my nieces and nephew rushed at my pleading with me not to go so soon. I felt a wave of guilt when I left my friend Tara to work on our friendship long distance. It all felt so unnatural, but I was committed to making it work.

Then finally in 2010, we moved closer to NY by coming to Boyertown, PA. The drive was still three hours, but without the added cost of monthly flights, it was conceivable to be able to attend nearly every family event. I was back (or so I thought!) I tried in earnest to make it work, but before I knew it, even the three hours became too long. I still had the emptiness in my heart that no amount of money, home décor or entertainment could take away. It just was not meant to be.

It took me 16 months too long to discover this. But had someone had me sit down and really speak my deepest truth inside, I knew all along it wasn’t right. I know now that when I feel trapped, it’s my spirit crying out. I know where my heart lives. My heart lives in New York.

I wanted to get these thoughts out for those readers who have followed my story. But it is very late, and I can barely keep my eyes open. But I will fall asleep easily tonight, being one of the happiest nights of my life. It’s possible that I am happier than I have ever been in my life. Boyertown gave me the best lesson of my life. Stop, listen and live my truth. And this time, my truth is clear:

“There’s no place like home!”

We’re moving. Finally. I’m so excited that yesterday I started crying spontaneously while I was driving in the car. I couldn’t help myself. It’s real. I will be moving home to where my family and friends reside. I finally imagined myself waking up each morning in a place that I loved, I wasn’t worried about paying a mortgage or fixing the flood damage; a place that I could call home.

One of the most important parts of this move, is that my kids can grow up really knowing their aunts and uncles, and most importantly, their cousins. I never had cousins or extended family living nearby when I was little. I dreamed of a day where the Thanksgiving table would be lined with people, laughing, hugging, eating a most splendid feast. I would write entries in my diary where I would describe such a scene with as much detail as I could conger up. Or images of friends coming over to make dinner together, or watch a movie with a bowl of freshly made popcorn. Such simple dreams for a child, yet somehow I think I kept them in my heart all along.

This move means more to me than I could ever imagine. I dreamed about living close to the ones I love. I never let go of that dream, as simple as it was, and still remains. And here it is a reality…and I created it. I don’t want to fall asleep and miss one moment of the excitement! But alas, I must. (I’ll just dream some more dreams!

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Just had another thought. I was finishing my day with a relaxing shower, feeling especially grateful, when I had an epiphany: we deserve to be happy everyday. Not just days when something great happens, or even when simply nothing bad happens. But each and every day, and it’s up to me. I must work on my happiness everyday. Just like keeping on top of my finances, my diet, my exercise, and my diaries; I need to have daily check-ins with my happiness. I can read an inspiring book, tweet, or blog; I can write on my blog, a tweet, or my journal; I can listen to an inspiring podcast, video, or movie; I can immerse myself in natural mood enhancers like bodies of water,sunshine or wildlife.

If I follow this prescription for happiness, it will become a habit, where I don’t even have to think about it anymore. I can’t even trick myself into believing I don’t deserve it. It becomes as critical as taking my daily vitamins. It’s my daily spiritual boost; just as necessary.

I am entering another new phase of my life. A phase that I have been waiting for, hoping for, dreaming of for a very long time. I read somewhere that my today was created yesterday. I can’t even remember when I began dreaming about this time of my life. Two children, my husband working from home with me, and finally, finally living back in NY with my family and friends nearby, were all parts of a dream I put into circulation years ago. Before I knew that my thoughts become my actions, before I knew that my words become my reality; I thought of this life that I am leading now. I thought I wanted the big house, the exciting career, the life of intrigue and adventures. But, that was the dream that the movies, television and my society gave me, it was not my own. My dream was simply. Read and write, spend time outdoors, and be surrounded by those I love; that is my American dream.

I have become that which I thought of most. Every single element of my life was once a dream. Every single thought I have today, is already on queue to become reality. But now that I am aware of this power within me, where will it take me. My world has become on as limited as my own imagination. (So that’s why my elementary school teachers pushed the imaginary game play so much!) How different the world has become now that I know the secret. I hold my world in my own hands. Funny thing is, I always have.

Today was harder than I expected. Like the hurricane that is preparing to pound our shores, the tropical storm gained strength and swirled into a Category 5 hurricane. I woke up thinking that it was going to be a busy day but for some reason, I never thought today would be the day I signed over my house to the new buyers. I thought that when the time came, I would be ready for the emotions that would accompany the event, but I was wrong. As I signed the papers, my eyes teared, my throat closed, my hear sank and my stomach flipped. I wasn’t prepared for the physical manifestations of the selling of my house. This is, in fact, a great thing. Yet it took every ounce of my soul to stay on top of my emotions. There were moments it didn’t always work. There were dark moments and moments of desperation, where I just wanted to give up, and take it all back. But what was done, was done. There was no changing what was happening. I was going to sell my home, downsize, and start a new life. A life where now my husband could stay home with the kids and I. A life where I wasn’t thinking about the house, the mortgage, the flood, the insurance claim, the renovations, the contractors, the squatters, the damage, the turmoil, the aggravation. I life where I wasn’t raising the kids on my own while my husband worked 14 hour days to subsidize our lifestyle. I could now just focus on me, my husband, my kids, and my happiness.

Right now, I have to find my sleep and let the day fade away. Tomorrow is another day. Tomorrow will come, and I will feel even better than I do now. A new tomorrow filled with hope. The hurricanes of my life won’t control my life, ever again. Hurricane Irene (aka Hurricane House) might dictate the atmosphere but never my perspective.

He tells me he needs to talk. I agree and we set up a meeting in my office for the next day. I think to myself, that’s funny, he never drives an hour and a half out of his way to talk in person. We do everything over the phone. That’s just the way we both are. Making things simple is the way we function. It’s what we think is most effective. I ask him if I should prepare anything for his visit. He gently states there is nothing to prepare and that he’d see me tomorrow. He quickly gets off the phone. I return to my work, with a gnawing pit in my stomach. What does he want?

The next day comes. He calls me a few hours before the meeting. He requests that we meet even earlier because he has a wake he has to attend. Why would anyone schedule a work meeting right before a wake, I ask myself. I slowly get ready. Ironing my clothes, apply some make-up, put on my pretty pumps. I prepare myself by writing in my diary all the beautiful aspects of my life: my husband’s love, my happy and healthy children, my supportive friendships, and even the beautiful day that is happening. The time draws near. I get to the office moments before he walks in the door. He says a cheery hello to my secretary. He says good morning to me, and engages in small talk about the office he has never seen. Then he asks if we can sit down in the conference room, the room with the largest table between us. He requests that we close the door. As soon as the heavy door closes behind me, I know what is about to ensue. It was my office, but he was the landlord of the moment. “I’m sorry to have to tell you this…” The rest is a blur. I remember asking why, and how and who? I remember breathing and him asking if I need a glass of water. I remember the dull ache as what he is telling me sinks in. “We have to let you go…” It’s over. All those moments I worried, all those late nights working on a project, all those phone calls, emails, meetings, handshakes, even hugs. Working from the hospital while I was sick, working from vacation, from dinner, from picnics, even from bed. All the moments were for nothing. It was all gone. In one moment, my life changed forever. In one moment, I was accused, tried and convicted. I had lost. I was “let go..”

But those words meant more to me than anything I have ever heard. I was let go. Let Go! My voice inside, deep inside, just a little whisper had been saying the same thing. Let Go, it’s eating you, its taking you away from everything that is important to you. Let go of who you are supposed to be and be who you are. You never cared about that job, you never once wanted to work rather than spend time with your kids. You always found an excuse. They were a number to choose from: too much, too tired, too hard, too time-consuming, too boring, too far away, too expensive. I always had a reason to complain, to distance myself, to let go. And now, someone was making me do it. Let go and become who you were meant to be. Let go of the hate, the fear, the expectations, and the disappointment in myself. I was letting go and it was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I let go of perfect Bess. I let go of the should’s and the could’s and ought to’s. I let go of the money, and the title and the career goals. I let go of the security and the safety and the familiar. It was over. He was still talking, still explaining, still oozing sweetness, yet all I had left at the moment was me. My voice. So soft. So simple. Let go. It’s time. Time for you. Time to make it count. Time to stop and listen. Truly listen. Let go and be you. Let go of the job, the house, the dogs, the money, the expectations, the entitlements.  The clock is ticking. You won’t get those moments back. Your time is the most precious thing you have, don’t waste one more second mourning over what you should have been. Be who you are. Now. Let go.

Recently, I had to sign the paperwork to sell my home. I used the same pens that I used to sign the papers when I bought the home. It was symbolic, ironic, and simply put, painful. I was prepared to say good-bye to the house. I wasn’t prepared to give up the fight. The fight meant more to me than the reward. The fight had swallowed me whole and had me lose sight of the big picture. I wasn’t happy throughout this ordeal. Two and a half years of floods, mortgages, loan modifications, credit reports and now short sales. I wouldn’t have thought that could get through it, but I did. And yet the end feels near, and I don’t feel like celebrating. Did I lose sight of what was important? Did I lose myself?

I feel like I let myself down, not because I am selling my dream house. I know that selling the house is ultimately going to allow my husband to stay home with the me and the kids. I know it’s the right choice when I get more excited about the new house we will call home, than the house we owned for six and a half years. I know that I have already felt like it wasn’t mine when I could imagine others living in the home. I guess I am starting to realize that this “dream house” wasn’t really my dream at all. My true dream is to be home with my family, wherever that is. To see my husband for more than two hours a day. To see my children grow up, and to make a difference in this world. Nowhere in there did I ever believe home ownership was my dream, my idea of success. Was it exciting in the beginning, yes! But within a few months, the honeymoon was over. My husband’s hours increased, and working an hour away, we barely had time to spend in the home. We’d be lucky if we got home before bedtime. Weekends were spent cleaning, upkeep and renovations. I have spent two and a half years running after the wrong dream. A daunting thought, but my truth nonetheless.

So now it’s time to pick myself up, be proud of my persistence at least , and count this as a success. I never stopped trying and now can I will finally have closure. Time to redesign my life. Again.